Here’s to the class of 420

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SAM HALL

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Harvard studies suggest cannabis enhances cognitive function. German studies conclude micro-dosing weed is an effective ADHD treatment. And with Canada’s impending marijuana legalization, the “lazy stoner” stereotype is washing away, making room for the high-functioning user to spark up. Carefully chosen MMJ strains, dosage and smoke methods just might be your path to becoming most productive pothead on campus.

Pre-class anxiety? Live every week like it’s shark week with Great White Shark: This stimulating sativa offers an energizing high that melts away the anxiety in a room full of tutorial strangers. Great White’s plant parents obliterate depression, stress and pain, so you can stay relaxed yet inspired while scoring full participation marks. Ren, a second-year NSCAD student with a nervous tummy, attributes her stellar grades to this potent strain.

“I smoke White Shark from my mini-bong for immediate relief and proper dosage,” she says. “It’s perfect before class.”

Unmotivated to get through weekly assignments? Smoke a j of Moby-Dick and become a multitasking super-scholar. I once reread four entire Iliad chapters, wrote a paper on “the will of fate” in Homer’s poetry, blasted the best of Dr. Dre and blazed Moby out of my student slum bedroom window. This cerebral-enhancing sativa kept me driven and focused. Plus, I had a great time? Writing my paper? And got an A?

Like the varying narrative styles from this strain’s namesake, you might crave jumping between various course work. Make a list of tasks to accomplish and take celebratory puffs as you get them done.

Whenever I’m hosting friends, meeting up for a sesh or putting the pot in potluck, I always roll social butterfly Blue Dream, a sativa-dominant hybrid. This pedigreed strain is well-stocked across town and can mellow out hardcore tokers and casual smokers alike, give you the giggles, inspire many meaningful conversations and most importantly take all things “thesis” off your mind.

If you’ve been waiting for someone to tell you marijuana makes you smarter, you’re welcome: Cannabidiol (CBD), cannabis’s non-psychoactive ingredient, is so magical that high quantities can actually rebuild brain networks by creating new cells in the Hippocampus, where short- and long-term memories are stored. CBD is being used in treatment for people with brain damage or memory loss and can also counteract marijuana-related memory impairment. Most dispensaries have pure CBD tinctures and capsules to take orally, or crystal isolate to sprinkle on smokables, eat or vape! Cannabidiol also treats anxiety, chronic pain and ADHD. Just imagine how easy studying could be if your panic attacks and laptop-hunching neck pain dissipated.

And what about that magical time, say post mid-terms, when you just want to tranquillize? Nothing feels better than blazing the night away with bowls of heavy Indica strains, best for a full body stone, mental and physical relaxation and getting a sound sleep. My newest fave is LA Confidential, a gorgeous frosty California classic. Have some bowls of LA in the bath to boost your mood and laugh through The Office one more time. It’s also a great aid for bedtime yoga (or sexy time!) and will have you melting into sleep so pure you’d swear you were a tiny swaddled baby.

You may feel like I’m encouraging you to be a burn-out, but arguably the more dangerous burn-out stems from astronomically high demands on most secondary students: course expectations, shady landlords, balancing jobs and a provincial government out for every last penny they can plunder with ludicrous tuition costs. Keep your GPA high, and stay lifted.