The internet is full of lies. We know this. But no lie is greater than that of the “Super Easy Halloween costume.” Hey bloggers: costumes with accompanying makeup tutorials are not “easy.” Here are some legit quick Halloween costumes with varying time lengths and commitment levels—depending on how little time you have/how lazy you are.
20 minutes
This requires some effort, so apologies. Grab a tank top or shirt you don’t wear any more, cut out two circles right where the boobs go…you see where I’m going with this. Pair a white tank and purple bra with a short skirt and heels for the full Regina George. If you don’t understand this costume, you’re dead to me. #armyofskanks
15 minutes
May require some closet rummaging, but Old School Robber is pretty dang easy. Grab a striped shirt (white and black, if you have it), a dark toque, black pants and dark gloves. Snatch a pillowcase and stuff it with dirty laundry or a towel or something, and toss it over your shoulder. If you want to take it to the next level and don’t care about your pillowcase, use a sharpie to draw on a comically large dollar sign.
10 minutes
Everyone’s favourite non-sensical Muppet–Swedish Chef. Over a white shirt, toss on an apron (if you have one,) grab some oven mitts, a mixing spoon and a spatula. Boom. The extra eight minutes is for Googling “Easy Swedish phrases.” Or save some time and just speak in sing-songy vowels all night.
10 minutes
Toss on track pants, sneakers and a turtleneck or jeans, Timbos and a puffer jacket. Allot five minutes to dress, and then five minutes to perfect your worst/best dance moves in front of the mirror. Oh hey, Hotline Bling.
Five minutes
Toss on your baggy denim shirt and throw a pashmina (if you have one) oh-so-casually around your neck. Grab a mixing bowl and spoon, or swipe a plate of whatever your host set out for the party and, presto, you’re everyone’s favourite shoeless pseudo-aristocrat, Ina Garten. Talk loving about Jeffrey and condescendingly about how “store bought [insert ingredient here] will do. I guess.”
Five minutes
Perfect for all the bros with undercuts…so all of you: throw on all the weird shit you have in your closet—literally anything (the weirder the better). You’re Macklemore now. Talk about Seattle a LOT and unnecessarily spell out random words. Try to find a sidekick with a Casio to be Ryan Lewis.
Two minutes
Go to your bed. Take off your bed sheet. Wrap it around you in some fashion and secure with the tie from your bathrobe. Insta-toga. Grab some leaves from the ground and stick ‘em behind your ears. Insta-emperor. If it all becomes dishevelled during the night just say, “I’m Caesar—drunk on power and the glory of the Roman Empire...and wine.”
One minute
If you want to piss off all the Halloween try-hards, this is the costume for you. Go outside, grab a leaf from the ground or a tree and tape it in place hanging from the brim of a hat. When wearing the hat, it should dangle in front of your face. When anyone asks what you’re dressed as, blow the leaf and say, “I’m a leaf blower,” and then pause for the ensuing groan/laughter. Easy as pie.
