ILLUSTRATIONS BY jess hartjes
1. The Agave
Grab a large flower pot and cut the bottom out so the pot fits around your waist. Dress in brown pants and a green shirt, then wrap a couple scarves around yourself. Hold an old branch or broom handle over your head and ask everyone you talk to if they want a photo op with you. Only drink tequila and shoot dirty looks at Brett Ruskin all night.
2. Argyle Street
Don an
This year's hottest plant next to cannabis.
3. Confused Tourist
Wear khaki pants and a Hawaiian shirt. Hang a vintage camera around your neck. Carry a backpack and a Harbour Hopper brochure. Complain that you’re cold. Ask everyone if they know where the Cornwallis statue is.
4. The Black Rocks at Peggy’s Cove
Cut head and arm holes out of a black garbage bag. Wear yellow rubber boots and tie a small lighthouse statue around your neck. For an authentic odour, adorn yourself with real, fresh seaweed. Get several friends to yell at anyone who tries to go near you, especially Confused Tourist.
Comes with built-in excuse to not go out because “tourist season is over.”
5. Student from Toronto
Buy an East Coast Lifestyle hoodie and some Blundstones, but tell everyone you
6. Giant Bus Ticket
Buy two sheets of yellow and two sheets of blue bristol board at the dollar store. Staple them together. Add strings so they hang off your shoulders. Write in large black sharpie on each side: “Halifax Transit—One fare—Actual size”
Not valid for airport and express routes.
7. Offensive City Councillor
Pull a blazer from the closet to pair with your most obnoxiously-printed button-up shirt. You’ll need to find a megaphone and pick up a bald cap at the nearest costume store. Lastly, head to a toy aisle and find some building blocks so all your party guests can be #Blocked! Don’t forget the smug smile.
8. The Smoking Ban
Wear all grey, stick chewed gum to yourself, roll in pigeon poop and tape old cigarette butts on your clothing. You are a Halifax sidewalk. Tell any smokers they can’t be around you. Threaten to call 911 if they don’t listen.
Bring along eight friends to act as bylaw compliance officers.